I've been in a serious funk since my latest surgery. a funk i didn't experience with the other two surgeries.
The first Operation (2005) I was ill for a long time and when finally the tumor was discovered it was 'all hands on deck' time. I was relieved we'd finally located the problem and it was 'go' time! Let's get it out as quick as possible and explore treatments. I'm a 'do-er' put me in any situation, i find a solution and get working on it. Same thing with this tumor/cancer. Once I was told what it was, it was research mode, decisions and execution. I wasn't scared, i had a plan and it was being executed with my doctors. I was comfortable with the team and felt heard as far as treatment was concerned. A Whipple was done within a month of finding the tumor. Along with my team of oncologist it was decided to forgo Chemo therapy and radiation.
Second surgery (2010) Just a short year ago. For one year i was experiencing pain, something was wrong only the doctors and technology here could not located it. My surgeon from the 2005 surgery wanted to go back in and remove the rest of my Pancreas, bare in mind all test done showed the little that was left of my pancreas was healthy. I decided to go to the best for a second opinion. Within a matter of days the problem was located and surgery was scheduled and i'd be able to keep my battered and bruised yet healthy pancreas.
Surgery number three, No warning! one instant I'm good albeit in a bit of pain (that i thought was gas) the next I'm being rushed to the hospital by ambulance, where a multitude of tests were performed yet it took them a week to locate the cause of my excruciating pain. It took 3 days to determine that my stomach was no longer emptying into my intestines. I was only being medicated for the pain. My stomach was at the point of rupturing. And that scared me! They installed a gastric tube and started to pump the excess fluid built up in my stomach. It took another 4 days for them to determine the cause and location of the blockage. Once it was found things moved quickly and surgery was performed.
With the discovery of the tumor i came face to face with my mortality and came to terms with it. With the first two surgeries i was sick for a period and it took time to determine the problem and fix it. There was no urgency, it was caught in time, I got to move forward. This time around however, it was sudden, it was drastic, and i could have died! Right there and then! There was no warning, nothing i (the 'do-er') could do.
My next meal could literally be my last if the same thing happens again and i don't get the medical attention i need in time. It was so random and the lack of warning is what has me in this funk I'm in. Every ache and pain is analyzed to adnauseum. I hold my breath and hope and pray that the stenosis doesn't collapse again.
I know that time will lessen my anxiety, but the funk i never anticipated. I didn't feel up to blogging, or chatting on the phone, or gardening, or taking pictures of beautiful things (my passion) or even creating delicious meals! Or even reading a good book! Nothing sounded good to me, nothing moved me. I wasn't myself for a while.
Today i went out to lunch with my mom, I saw some people who were genuinely happy to see me well and out and about. Then i ran into the ambulance attendant who road with me in the back of the ambulance to the hospital. I was the first time we'd run into each other since that horrible night. He was glad to see me well and I was just glad to be seen! And realized how far I'd come. Tomorrow will mark 1 month since my last surgery and i can life in fear anymore.
I'll just have to come to terms that there is nothing i can 'do' to prevent it from happening again and move forward.
The first Operation (2005) I was ill for a long time and when finally the tumor was discovered it was 'all hands on deck' time. I was relieved we'd finally located the problem and it was 'go' time! Let's get it out as quick as possible and explore treatments. I'm a 'do-er' put me in any situation, i find a solution and get working on it. Same thing with this tumor/cancer. Once I was told what it was, it was research mode, decisions and execution. I wasn't scared, i had a plan and it was being executed with my doctors. I was comfortable with the team and felt heard as far as treatment was concerned. A Whipple was done within a month of finding the tumor. Along with my team of oncologist it was decided to forgo Chemo therapy and radiation.
Second surgery (2010) Just a short year ago. For one year i was experiencing pain, something was wrong only the doctors and technology here could not located it. My surgeon from the 2005 surgery wanted to go back in and remove the rest of my Pancreas, bare in mind all test done showed the little that was left of my pancreas was healthy. I decided to go to the best for a second opinion. Within a matter of days the problem was located and surgery was scheduled and i'd be able to keep my battered and bruised yet healthy pancreas.
Surgery number three, No warning! one instant I'm good albeit in a bit of pain (that i thought was gas) the next I'm being rushed to the hospital by ambulance, where a multitude of tests were performed yet it took them a week to locate the cause of my excruciating pain. It took 3 days to determine that my stomach was no longer emptying into my intestines. I was only being medicated for the pain. My stomach was at the point of rupturing. And that scared me! They installed a gastric tube and started to pump the excess fluid built up in my stomach. It took another 4 days for them to determine the cause and location of the blockage. Once it was found things moved quickly and surgery was performed.
With the discovery of the tumor i came face to face with my mortality and came to terms with it. With the first two surgeries i was sick for a period and it took time to determine the problem and fix it. There was no urgency, it was caught in time, I got to move forward. This time around however, it was sudden, it was drastic, and i could have died! Right there and then! There was no warning, nothing i (the 'do-er') could do.
My next meal could literally be my last if the same thing happens again and i don't get the medical attention i need in time. It was so random and the lack of warning is what has me in this funk I'm in. Every ache and pain is analyzed to adnauseum. I hold my breath and hope and pray that the stenosis doesn't collapse again.
I know that time will lessen my anxiety, but the funk i never anticipated. I didn't feel up to blogging, or chatting on the phone, or gardening, or taking pictures of beautiful things (my passion) or even creating delicious meals! Or even reading a good book! Nothing sounded good to me, nothing moved me. I wasn't myself for a while.
Today i went out to lunch with my mom, I saw some people who were genuinely happy to see me well and out and about. Then i ran into the ambulance attendant who road with me in the back of the ambulance to the hospital. I was the first time we'd run into each other since that horrible night. He was glad to see me well and I was just glad to be seen! And realized how far I'd come. Tomorrow will mark 1 month since my last surgery and i can life in fear anymore.
I'll just have to come to terms that there is nothing i can 'do' to prevent it from happening again and move forward.
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