Thoughts

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Sometimes this is just how I feel.


There are days when I just wish I didn't have to be careful of what I eat, That i can have a glass of champagne to celebrate with a loved one without my pancreas hurting the next day. I sometimes wish I didn't have remember to take my meds (or pay for it dearly later), I wish that I can do strenuous physical activity without having to think twice. Although I don't presently have Cancer, it's never far from my mind. The other night as I was changing for bed, I'd had pain on my left side all afternoon, I chalked it up to regular post Whipple digestion issues, and knew that if I waited it out eventually the pain would go away once the food was digested. So back to me getting ready for bed.... I look down at my abdomen and realize that same painful area is now swollen, noticeably so! Now what do I do? Well it was almost midnight and short of going to the ER there was nothing I could do. The next day the swelling and pain were gone. The next evening both were back.... I hadn't been careless and lifted anything heavy, but I'd done some housework the day before and then lots of cooking (standing) for a party i was having the next day. So yeah... I'd like a life where the consequence of cleaning my apartment doesn't scare me half to death. I know this is just regular after effects of this last surgery, as the years pass, i will get stronger.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling down, I'm well aware that every day I wake up alive (as opposed to waking up dead...Inside family joke) is a gift.... I'm just a little weary I guess.

A little apprehensive as well as my one year post-op appointment is approaching. I'm headed back to Paris yall!!! While exited to go back to Paris this October, I'm also apprehensive, was I careful enough? All that hiking, kayaking and Ziplining, was it wise? See my other blog for all the fun stuff. Was that swelling and pain a sign that something is wrong?

Sometimes I just wish I didn't have to consider/worry about these things..... Just sometimes.... 99.9% of the time I'm just happy to be among the living.